The hot streak continues! And I don’t mean how many ghost pepper nuggets I can eat at Burger King, I have a separate column for that. Err, separate colon. I was 7-7 against the spread in this upside-down-world week in the NFL (25-16-1 last three weeks). I’m calling that a win.
You know how in The Matrix you just start seeing things like this?
Well, the same thing is happening for me with the picks. Except I just see this:
Stick with me, we’ll go far. You can’t argue with results. This is now the most parity-filled NFL season ever. All the good teams stink about the same!
Let’s hit Week Ten!
RAVENS (-7.5) AT DOLPHINS
The Ravens survived Minnesota, but only because Kirk Cousins was involved. Don’t be fooled by all the death-defying escapes, Baltimore is good, but not that good. Like Squid Game. Or that chicken sandwich at Popeye’s that people get stabbed over.
The Dolphins had a rough time with the Texans. Which is like having a rough time putting on pants. You really shouldn’t almost fall.
I’ll go Ravens here. And I’m not nervous about it at all.
BILLS (-13) AT JETS
No respect for the Jets with this line. I mean, even the JAGS can beat the Bills. And the Jets already beat the Titans and Bengals.
Yeah, I’m going Bills here too. Not because of how impressive they looked against Jacksonville (even though stacking 6 whole points was pretty to watch), but because they get the Jets…
An organization I respect and admire way too much to resign on a napkin right after they name me head coach.
I can’t speak for everyone.
BUCCANEERS (-9.5) AT FOOTBALL TEAM
Tampa Bay had to taste that ugly defeat to New Orleans all through their bye week. Someone has to pay. And the Jets already drew Buffalo this week, so…
Is Washington still a football team? I’m genuinely curious. It just seems like they might be better at something else, like dance marathons or Daniel Snyder court case depositions. Have they considered being TikTok influencers? The barrier to entry there seems low. And I’m not just saying that because a guy getting bit by a dead squirrel went viral.
Bucs are the pick. Their best days are ahead of them. Like people over 90.
FALCONS (+9) AT COWBOYS
I told you Dallas was overdue for a humbling. I even told you to take Denver and the points. But you didn’t. That’s so you.
The Falcons are suddenly flirting with mediocrity. Sorta like Marvel is with The Eternals. Except for Atlanta, it’s a step up.
I like the Falcons with the points here. I don’t think the Cowboys learned their lesson yet. Do they ever?
SAINTS (+3) AT TITANS
The Saints only beat good teams. That’s their thing. So if the Titans lose this one, we’ll know they’re a good team. Wait. This sounds like the logic used at the Salem witch trials. Eh, I mean it did stop witchery for a while.
The strike against the Titans isn’t the loss of Derrick Henry. It’s the loss to the Jets.
But I still like Tennessee here. The Saints are crazier than that girl you tried to break up with six times before realizing she might kill you.
I was once alone in a hotel room with Isla Fisher, actually. She was perfectly nice and normal. It was kind of disappointing.
JAGUARS (+10.5) AT COLTS
The Jags got a win in America! Maybe they won’t move to Dusseldorf after all. Our loss. Look, don’t get carried away. They caught the Bills on a bad day. Detroit calls them Sundays.
The Colts haven’t realized yet that uninjured Carson Wentz isn’t a huge upgrade from injured Carson Wentz. They will. Half the starting QBs in the league are interchangeable. Look at Matthew Stafford and Jared Goff. They literally traded places and no one really noticed.
I’m gonna go with the Colts. Also, Eddie Murphy killed it in that movie.
LIONS (+9) AT STEELERS
Oh good, the Lions are back. If my dog was running that team, how would they be worse? And to be clear, my dog has no prior NFL experience, aside from a brief stint as head coach of the Jets.
As for the Steelers, if you saw that fourth quarter meltdown against Chicago you know everything you need to know about Pittsburgh. The Bears’ gifts included statistically impossible back-to-back lining up offsides penalties, and another for breathing at the Steeler bench through the wrong nostril.
Seriously, Flag Day is less about flags than that game was.
I’ll go Steelers here. But only because it’s the Lions. And in Pittsburgh. And my dog has a Zoom interview tomorrow for a coordinator position in Detroit.
BROWNS (+2) AT PATRIOTS
Oh so now these two teams are good again? Now you like them? Well, you shouldn’t.
Actually, this could be a great game. Both teams are 5-4 and need the win. Both teams are scrappy. Both teams have been coached by Bill Belichick. And both teams aren’t going very far in the playoffs if they even get there.
But only one has a long history of futility. Like, since before I was born long. Patriots are the pick.
VIKINGS (+2.5) AT CHARGERS
The Vikings had the Ravens on the ropes and blew it. Cousins had a chance to be the hero again. Remember when I said half the QBs in the league are interchangeable? Yeah, he’s who I meant most.
Justin Herbert still has a chance to be a difference-maker for the Chargers. But not until he changes his last name. The only other Herbert I know is the creepy old man on Family Guy.
It feels like the Chargers will be the less disappointing team this week. Let’s go with them.
PANTHERS (+10) AT CARDINALS
The Panthers are not good. And in related news, they won’t look better after this game.
The Cardinals are very good. But don’t buy into the hype just yet. We’re gonna need more proof. Keep an eye out for Cuba Gooding Jr.
If you see him out there then they’re probably just shooting a sequel to Jerry Maguire, which would make way more sense than a 9-1 Cardinals team.
Cards are the pick. With or without Rod Tidwell.
EAGLES (+2.5) AT BRONCOS
Don’t get all excited about the Broncos. Get excited about ghost pepper nuggets at Burger King.
There’s nothing all that appetizing about the Eagles either. Even their uniforms are problematic. Too easy to mistake them for the Jets.
Whatever you do here, don’t pick Denver because of what they did to Dallas last week. You’ll regret it more than the time you brought that girl who looked like Justin Herbert to the prom.
I’m going Eagles here. It’s an NFL thing. You’ll see.
SEAHAWKS (+5) AT PACKERS
The Packers offense was pretty explosive with Jordan Love, huh? He looked like Tom Hanks in Big when he first goes to work in his 12-year-old man-body.
Don’t laugh Chiefs fans, you had Patrick Mahomes and only scored 6 more points than Green Bay.
And why does it feel like the Packers and Seahawks play each other five times every season? Is it a weird schedule quirk, or do I just have some rare form of epilepsy I need to get checked?
Seahawks if Jordan Love plays. Packers if Aaron Rodgers plays. Tom Hanks if neither plays.
CHIEFS (-2.5) AT RAIDERS
Yeah, so the Chiefs beat a lifeless Packer team, quarterbacked by a wacky inflatable tube guy from Al Harrington’s.
Also, who exactly is doing background checks on Raider employees? Is it Al Harrington or one of the tube guys?
Both these teams are in a race to see who will implode first. This whole division is a ticking time bomb. Who wants it? It’s like when everyone in the class steps backward except you so it looks like you volunteered. Have fun!
So yeah, Chiefs here. And I feel really, really good about it. Like the month-old turkey chili I had for lunch.
RAMS (-4) AT 49ERS
These teams never really liked each other. Except for that one magical weekend in Cancun with Jimmy G’s p*rn star girlfriend.
They just never seem to catch each other at their best. Like when you go to the bathroom at a restaurant and discover there’s a men’s room attendant waiting to hand you a towel, and you both just frown.
The Niners are broken. And the Rams don’t feel so hot after the nationally televised beatdown the Titans just gave them. Good times all around.
I like the Rams here. Even though they hate prosperity.
And that’s a wrap on Week Ten!
As always, thanks for playing!
